Confessions X

X.

I’m happy. But most of the time I’m not. Is that the way it is for everyone?

The orchids on my balcony are dying. I try to keep my plants alive but can’t seem to. I read the directions for taking care of orchids, which said to water twice a week when it’s hot and once a week when it’s not. Do not overwater. They need direct sunlight. Pretty simple. I followed the directions to a T, and still my orchids are withering and dying. I thought, you can’t fail if you follow all of the directions.

Most of the time I feel a sense of fear. I don’t know of what. And anger. I see and hear too many things at once.

One morning, I heard someone shouting loudly, even with my window closed. The voice shouted: Fuck your mama. Fuck your brother. Fuck the wind. Fuck that tree. Fuck the trolley. Fuck this shit! Or something like this. I peeked through the window and to my surprise saw a well-dressed man. He wore a light-colored trench coat with a briefcase in one hand. He was clean-shaven and looked like he was headed to a corporate job. Just before he turned the corner, he added: Get the fuck away from me and take Big Bird with you!

That’s what it’s like. I look normal. I dress for the role. But inside my head is a slew of curse words and gibberish. I’ll be carrying on a conversation with a friend over coffee, just as dozens of times before and note the barista working her fingers over the new computerized register. The loud whirring of the coffee machine. A whiff of Vanilla or Brazilian beans. My partner’s mouth moving, head cocked back. The picture frame behind his head crooked. A young couple together leaning over the counter. The barista taps and taps. Two white Macbooks open, side by side. The whirring stops and starts all over again. I’ve heard my friend’s words but don’t understand what he’s said.

Fuck coffee. Fuck Mac. Fuck young love.

Does that make sense?

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fiona Zedde
    Dec 14, 2010 @ 19:25:35

    it makes sense in a world where everyone is so pressured to appear normal that they crush the bits of themselves that don’t conform to the picture-perfect bullshit. and that’s why so many of us end up being fucked up.

    on the lighter side of things, you should try cacti. i’ve killed some of those though so even with that change there’s no guarantee. a rock garden?

    Reply

  2. cannyuncanny
    Dec 14, 2010 @ 19:35:32

    Fiona, Fiona! Thanks for reading. This is my attempt at a fictional interview/monologue series, and I’m working with at least 3 different voices right now, with one particular male and one female being prominent. So no, this isn’t autobiographical, though the part about plants dying on your hands can apply to me! I appreciate your comment about trying to make sense of a world where we’re pressured to be “normal.” What’s normal? I’ll add to that the fact that we’re constantly inundated every day with information, opinions, new gadgets and gimmicks that it sometimes feels like overload. And yes, I think most of us are indeed fucked up. But maybe that’s a good thing to admit to pave the way for new and challenging ways of seeing things. All said and done, I think I will try cacti, and I used to collect rocks as a kid…

    Reply

  3. Tyrone
    Dec 15, 2010 @ 15:40:36

    I really liked this one a lot. I started a screenplay that involves caring for orchids. I’ve heard that orchirds thrive if you water them with a solution made of half human urine/half water. As far as houseplants go I think orchids are kind of like “divas.” I’ve also had cacti and rock gardens. They are much more durable and understanding than orchids. I can certainly understand how and why a “corporate” businessman-type loses it over family, nature, the morning commute, and Big Bird. I think you’ve stumbled onto something interesting here. And, “Hey” Fiona. What’s up?

    Reply

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